Growing Up Male…. what it means for friendships, love, and school shootings!

“Man up” …. “Be a Man” …. “Grow a pair” …. these common phrases often directed at young men are harmful to them and society. After the shooting at Stoneman Douglas high school in south Florida, a group of male students were interviewed on NPR about what it means that 95% of school shootings are perpetrated by males.

I was disappointed to hear them report that young men are still being taught to repress their feelings of loss, sadness and hurt. As a psychologist and life coach I know emotions that are not expressed do not ‘go away.’ Quite the opposite, in fact. They fester, intensify and burst out at some future date as anger or rage.

If a young man is bullied, or ostracized in some way, suffers a loss, such as the divorce of his parents, the deaths of loved ones or even a relationship breakup, can he never express his real emotions? I believe (and recent studies indicate) that stuffed emotions over time, can lead to increases in domestic violence, drug and alcohol use (to numb intense emotions) even societal violence; school shootings, homicides or suicides. Given this, shouldn’t schools teach emotional intelligence and the importance of real sharing when life gets tough?

Everyone needs a few trusted people with whom they can be real and share emotions that cannot be shared widely. However, wouldn’t it be nice if friends could recognize that everyone has life challenges and that denying the emotions connected with them is unhealthy?

One tragic aspect of today’s culture is that young men are shamed from an early age for not being manly enough. Telling a teen, ‘don’t be a sissy’ or, ‘be a real man’ are messages that can lead to: Emotional detachment, acting out behaviors, feelings of invalidation, and mental health issues.

E-motion means energy in motion. The Latin root word ‘mot” means to move. Emotions are not intended to be denied or repressed…they need to be expressed somewhere, with a trusted listener. When that happens, the energy shifts. There is no buildup of tension. Emotional states transition naturally.

Many young men choose females as their best friends, as generally they are more gentle, caring, and better listeners than boys. But wouldn’t it be great if their male friends could be equally caring? If all men understood that we all experience hurt or anger from time to time, such friendship would develop.

I propose that the meaning of “man up” and “be a man” be redefined. As a man, I want to use those phrases when I’m asking a male to be real, to express their emotions in a safe place with a trustworthy confidante. This is what I refer to as ‘getting naked’ in my latest book, because vulnerability can feel like emotional nakedness.

And also, I would hope that one could even reach out to friends who are masking hurt and pain, get beyond the superficial conversation and give them a safe place to be real. When we show courageous vulnerability to a friend that we sense has something bothering them… If we offer to listen without judgment, they may choose to be real and honest about what’s going on in their life.

It’s time to change the narrative. We can raise strong, independent, well-adjusted men who are comfortable expressing themselves and being available to friends who need a committed listener.